Double Digits (Day 10)

Hooray (sarcarcasm)...I'm at 10 days AF....again. If I had just stuck to my plan three years ago or again, earlier this year -- both times 60 days AF -- I could be past all of this.

I've been in such denial about what alcohol really is. I've justified drinking nearly an entire bottle by myself -- it was over the course of three hours! There are nights socially when I'm definitely at 1 1/2 bottles. I am a lush loser when I think that others helped me drink certain bottles. Usually it's just one small glass of the white and most move on to red. I know the truth but I always conveniently tuck the details away and congratulate myself about never touching hard spirits. How ridiculous, right?

So here I am this morning, going to see a doctor because my gut hurts -- even after 10 days AF. That can't be good and I'm scared. I hope I can take all of this seriously this time around.

Ella Knew (Day 8)

Oh yes, does Ella know. And has known for quite some time. Drinking wine has been an obsession more than casual outings with friends. Ella knew for a long, long time. Ella has gone months alcohol free, tried to moderate and eventually always works her way back through the labyrinth of denial and arriving straight back in the center, surrounded by three closed-in walls with just one opening and direction leading out. Mostly, she doesn't want to see this opening.

I'm Ella. I've chosen Ella Knew to represent me. Being open about my true name is more than I can take on at the moment. I need to line up everything in my favor with the intention of finding my way out through this crazy maze and into a new open space where the sun shines and I can feel at peace. It does feel like a slim chance right now but, nonetheless, here I go. Ella Knew. Ella Knows. I'm holding Ella's hand to help me find my way.

I'm 50 years old. I have been drinking on and off for 35 years really. I have had month-long breaks from alcohol. And I did manage to moderate for 10 years until I was 34 following my rowdy, booze-fueled high school and college experiences. Once I had my two sons -- within a year -- I quickly became overwhelmed, completely unprepared for the loneliness and exhaustion of motherhood. Five o'clock couldn't come fast enough. Books about "happy hour" playdates were a godsend. It made me feel like somehow drinking was normal. Made me think I wasn't alone. We all wanted to drink. Justified!

Fast forward many years. I'm finally feeling the effects of my drinking -- stomach ache, burping, weight gain, obsession with where, when and how much wine is in the house. So here we go, day 8 AF. So happy to have found Soberistas, Mrs. D, Unpickled blog, Caroline Knapp, Rachel Black and many many more warm, caring and honest, generous people. I'd like to join your crowd. xo